Random oneshots
by DragoonKnight Agnim
Summary: Just some drabbles, and some funny changes in the story, rated M for future mature content
1. Dealing with the Horntail

I don't Own Harry potter, JK Rowling does, (if I had then the books six and seven would be totally different, Ron would have been decked a long time ago with Malfoy, Ginny would have become background, and in the last battle Dobby and the house elves would had appear riding Aragog and the other acromantulas in order to protect his master) that or had a better plot

Have you asked your self what a inserted Word or sentence would change some results, well here are some examples

**Done it Before**

Harry Potter was hearing to what Professor "Mad Eye" Moody was tlling him before his first challenge.

"And let's not forget about Delacour, she is as much of a princess as I am" grumbled the professor, his fake eye twirling madly "And what can you do?"

"Well i am very good at flying" answered nervously the boy

"hmp, well lets see how can that help you against a dragon" before moving along leaving the teenager to dwell on the situation "is not like you battled before giant lizards" this came more as a whisper but unfortunately enough the teenager heard it

Wide eyed, the Boy-who-lived-and-hated-being-called-this-stupid-title got a flashback, "of course I have fought another giant lizard before, if you can count the basilisk as one" before going directly to the only friend that was talking to him at the moment.

The day of the task

Harry was nervous, the only thing that keeps him on place was the hug he received a moment earlier from Hermione _I have to do something nice for her if I survive, and after killing Skeeter, how dare she interrupt that hug _thought the boy before he was brought back to reality

"And now the next Champion Harry Potter" come from the outside loud and clear interrupting his thinking

"OK this is it"

When he stepped out he found that the columns of rocks didn't let him see very well the dragon, but he could clearly see the the sits where the spectators are cheering

"_Are they betting against me or for how long I can survive?"_ his musings were stopped when a the tail of the Hungarian Horntail smashed the boulder nearby

"_ok lets see if it works" _ ACCIO GRYFFINDOR'S SWORD

That whole action earned a gasp from half the student population along with the staff, while the headmaster paled a bit not knowing what this would cause

Surviving a couple of minutes dodging the wild dragons tail whiplash, fire blast and bites while the Slytherings taunted him for doing something stupid as calling for a founder item when a glint in the sky adverted them that something was coming at great speed.

The loud crash resounded in the area as the object impacted near the female dragon, when everybody got a better look they identified the object as a desk

"Haha Potty can't even summon the correct item" shouted a blonde ferret

Many where thinking as if the charm flunked, well except for one

"_That's my desk_" sobbed the headmaster

Inspecting closer Harry found what he was looking for a jewel hilted sword, of course the soul bound papers and will of his parents were pocked without thinking

"HARRY" the cry from the bushy haired witch he calls a friend make him turn around immediately with the sword in hand, only to stuck it on the mouth of the dragon that wanted a snack, piercing the brain and killing it instantly

"_well just like the basilisk, just hope dragons aren't as poisonous"_

**Caring for them**

"It's not like you had a dragon as a pet to know their weakness" mumbled the professor

"He is right; I haven't had to deal with dragons since first year with Norbert Harid's Drag….." he never finished his sentence before sprinting to his half-giant friend's hut, he may not know anything of dragons but Hagrid researched them and knows how to deal with them, just like Norbert, Fluffy and Aragogg

The day of the Task

This time a Confident Harry waited in the tent, and it seems to unnerve the other champions since he had draw the most vicious of all the dragons, even Cedric thought the poor kid lost it

Harry only smiled while patted his pocket on his robe, remembering that he was so happy of selecting the right dragon that when Hermione came a hug him, he actually returned the hug and even stealed a small kiss earning a gasp from the young witch along with a blush

When his turn came, he walked confidently toward the Creature, everybody was looking at him specially the smile on his face, to everybody it was like someone marching to his own doom, he didn't stop until he was right in front of the dragon

The Hungarian Horntail watched this small human with interest, while the other were loud or ran screaming this one come normally, and for some reason smelled delicious, well if he tries anything she might take a snack that and she was hungry

Harry checked a bit before grabbing something from his pocket and before tossing it in front of him.

Engorgio

The enlargement charm worked neatly making the strips of bacon grew till they were the size of a dog and as large as an anaconda "Here" he offers them to the horntail

The dragon was floored, was that bacon, she had heard about it from her cousins that was the only thing respectable the humans created, she thought it was a myth, just like the tales of her grandfather of humans offering tributes to them

Casually getting near, she takes a bite, then other and before she know it the whole strip was being chewed in her mouth, meanwhile the human just got near her head ans started scratching the third horn to the right earning a dragon equivalent of a purr

"_Hagrid was right, caring a dragon is easier than battleting, and way much easier than an Acromantula"_

**Nothing to lose**

Harry Potter was having something close to a seizure by the panic, but it grew worse when his female best friend hugged him with all her might, only one thing came to his mind in that instant _"I am going to die" _the female friend hugged harder making him notice a bit her attributes "_great I am going to die, I haven't even kissed a pretty witch or made something from my life… why haven't I noted Hermione is a girl, sigh well not use crying over the spilled milk, if I am going to die better have no regrets bout it"_

With that crossing his mind he only separated himself a bit from her before looking into her confused face and Kissed her, on the lips, not separating until both needed the air, and with that he went to pick up a dragon from Bagman leaving a dazzled witch with a blush, a big smile and a longing gaze.

Some time later, he was trying to fight the dragon with everything he noticed a grim on the stands meaning Sirius was watching him, along with Hermione "ok it's time"

Accio Firebolt

The broom speeded to his direction, but before he reached the dragon followed his movement and in a powerful bite, snapped his broom in tow, the pieces flied to the stand hitting the bushy haired witch and the grim

"NOOOOOOO" Ok this was it, everybody has a limit before they snap, and Harry just reached his

"You good for nothing Over grown lizard, yes you I am sick of this, you can try burning me, it doesn't matter my aunt does it every time she has the bloody opportunity" the teenage screamed confusing the dragon while not noticing the headmaster pale under that glare of his staff "you can even try to kill me I am alright with that since they are people trying that since I am 1 year old, and those attempt increased in this school" actually snarled making the dragon retreat a bit had she made a mistake " Heck you can even take my only source of freedom since I lived in a cupboard, but you crossed the line" lifting his wand and started gathering power "after the betrayal of a so called friend I only have few people to care and not only you damaged them but you did all above in only an instant"

The Horntail actually went backward "Now Hungarian Horn Tal PREPARE T DIE" and with that The-boy-who-lived jumped to action

(The following scene was censored for the gore and violence against animals"

A bloodied teenager walked to the golden egg between the dragon eggs, leaving behind a smear on the floor that used to be a dragon, when he finally picked up the egg and finished the task, he turned around and faced the audience that had a green face or fainted at the violence in front of them "ok anything else" he asked, seeing them shook their head he continues "Ok the I wont return to my relatives, any atemp and you would end up like that" Signaling the rest of the dragon "I wont be harassed anymore and if someone take my Teatracle Tart they are in for it to" before walking down to the tent.

Later in the dinner

"So when do we start going to Hogsmead" asked his now bushy-haired girlfriend while she seated near him, "Did I miss something" she asked while looking around seeing everybody eyeing them with fear and she like a loony (she was unconscious on the violent sequel and didn't believe the other when they told her about it)

Meanwhile Harry Potter was observing the tower of tarts and cakes in front of him, lets just say that he wouldn't return to the Dursleys any time soon

_______________________________________________________________________________

I was a bit bored, when this strange ideas came to my mind, I kind of blame Rorschach's Blot and his Odd Ideas for it (you really write some good or funny stories), along with other that made some funny one shots, this will be my version of some really random. By the way i have seen some chalenges posted, ow does one enters, do i have to PM or ask permision to the one the issued the chalenge or i can freely post the story based on the challenge


	2. Chaos Breakers

Chaos Breaker

FSN/HP/MLP X-over

(Mage POV)

Bored, Bored, BOred, BORed, BOREd, BORED

I am utterly and completely

BORED

Those where the Thoughts of Kischur Zelretch Schweinorg, the Wizard Marshal, Master (yes with the capital M) of the Kaleidoscopic Magic, Prankster Extraordinary and Top Position of the most feared Magus on the Planet, even if the Blue managed to blow up and Archipelago, and 2 Mountains, one of those was Volcano. He alone put the world in such chaos that heroes were needed every century, especially when he tried a recreation of Majoras Mask, (it was a Pain in the Arse to paint a smile face on the moon but so much worth it).

Don't get him wrong, he isn't evil, but after living centuries one tend to get mad or get hobbies to pass time, many look to create the perfect story, others to matchmaking (hmm have to make sure Lady Seto's ship get strangled on other galaxy) pranks; Zelretch wanted to get that one, but in the end his hobby and passion is Balance. A very fickle lady that one, if the world is plunged into Chaos he would bring or aid heroes in their quest, if the Order was too much Orderly, a simple prank or action to bring enough Chaos to keep that balance, for if it tip too much for either side the world would blow up, or simply be too boring, and if needed he would step and save the day, or night that depends on the hour.

Not even having buggering the Clock Tower Association or taking an apprentice, (she had to be a genius, oh they were so boring) cured this boring_ness, Oh how he missed his old buddy. If this continued he would have to start playing again or worse take a vacation (trust me nothing good comes form that) , mm there is that meteorite coming to Russia, maybe if I…

Clank. Clonk crack

Mmm, something interesting is happening, nobody tries to get near him, much less enter his workshop, a single lighting spell and he would be happy for the day; yet the anticipation told him to wait.

When the door swung open his face was filled with glee, for in front of him was the only other person that doesn't flees from his presence, (he still owns Waver 6 pounds) a Chaotic Hero (this are the best for they protect balance ignoring Order, or simply becoming Anti-Heroes) unwilling harem Boy (The Harem must be Feed) and ex of his current apprentice; and for his expression reflected a clear need for help.

This is going to be much FUN.

"So the Clock tower has discovered your investigation, Miss Luviangelita has been asking for your hand, the Einzbern along with Lady Barthomelloi want your head (not specification which one) and Dear Aoko Aozaki is mad at you for stealing a peek, while Waver and Sirius exploded a distraction before my apprentice manage to find you" it was more of an statement, but with such a glee that he had in years, at Shirou`s nod, he started to calculate mentally how much Popcorn and Mountain Dew, he would need.

Of course some things were out of context, the clock tower wanted to put a Designation Seal on him for his ability on Reality Marbles since they are forbidden knowledge, Kitsurugi Emiya had made a previous Marriage Contract with the Edelfelt Family for when he had a son; the Einzbern only want to kill him for corrupting their homunculus, while the witch queen needs to be laid, and his friends here tried to negotiate with them but the fight managed to blow a train station sending poor Shirou flying directly into the a bathroom of the Hotel Prince coincidentally the same room and bathroom currently used by the BLUE, while she was singing in the shower, it was only than fact that London was still on foot that she had yet to completely react; but then again few facts wouldn't stop him from a little bit of fun.

"So what can I do to help you Emiya?" the pure mirth was unmistakable, "I mean aren't you a hero of Justice? Defeater of the great king Gilgamesh?" this was only to discover how much desperate was his new subject.

"I know, but if things escalate, then other might be caught in the crossfire, Waver-san and Sirius-san are already in trouble because of me, than how is next Sakura? Rin? Taiga-nee?" How noble "besides I only need to lay low for things to calm down"

Interesting, he wants to fight but not at the cost of his friends or third parties, but the fact half the people hunting him are female…. Ah, no wonder he was running away. A quick check on the other dimensions revealed his possible futures.

Go to Japan, found mother and get and harem of Aliens

Go to Japan, then summoned to a dimension of a Loli-Tsundere, and another Harem

Go to Japan and up in a School full of Magical Girls, again Harem

Hide in my lab, find the Bestia Calamitas (Primate Murder) die and go to another Dimension filled with Magical Girls, again harem

Goes to America, kills sparkling vampires and gains a chiropteran harem

Bores him, ended in another dimension just for the purpose of an entertainment... And harem of course

Stays, build and harem from his hunters, then marry his friends making a big clan that needs the King of heroes as a nanny

Travels to mid Asia, ends in the clutches of Alaya as a Counter Guardian…hhmmm interesting no apparent harem here (1)

That is not possible the harm must be FEED

Loki was right, planning amusement from chaotic heroes is hard, but will be rewarding on the end, but now he wanted something different, Shirou was still here looking at him expectantly and having the occasional shiver, dam he must be really desperate, now how to make it good, funny, and different, his amusement ended when his gaze rested on a refreshment and a devious and brilliant idea centered on his mind.

"Shirou, I think I have the solution but I have to know if you are really sure" his brilliant mind already working overtime in creating new entertainment variables that will change depending on Shirou`s mentality, personality and psychological problems (take that Freud, and you said I could never learn to apply your psico-blabla on another human) at his target nod he had to suppress the sudden impulse to cackle madly.

"Quick, follow me, I actually know a safe place with an old comrade of mine" Wizard Marshals don't, by law of awesomeness, skip they only bounce because their magical prowess made it impossible for gravity to latch no them.

Shirous POV

A quick door appeared in the middle of the room was opened, inside it you could gaze to a medieval France, he stopped trembling and stepped after the Magus; yet after entering other doors appeared, and Zelretch was mumbling about random chance and the right door, taking the door to the right they almost missed being hit by a blue police box.

This time they ended in a British suburb, if the direction he was reading was right they were in Surrey at the middle of the night. Still following him to what appeared to be a Private Drive when the light failed for a couple of seconds, only to return immediately.

At least they were on the far away from the Clock Tower, it never occurred him they were in another dimension. His musings were interrupted by the cries of a child, even the treat of death would never stop him, Shirou Emiya, self proclaimed Hero of Justice during high school, and son of the Magus Killer, from helping others, the fact that a baby was abandoned in a front door of number 4 yet nobody seems to go out for him made him act.

Before thinking and actually forgetting he was with the worlds most dangerous magic user, prankster and plain crazy Apostole, he grabbed the basket holding the crying child in a heartily attempt to keep the toddler warn on this cold night. A small letter was next to the bundle, so he just picked it u and started reading it; maybe I had information on the child.

"Shirou come here" the Wizard Marshall called him, yet he only walked in his direction, a baby on his right arm, while he read the letter, if he had been paying more attention he would have reasoned that this child still had a family, or the fact that he stopped near a funny looking gate made of stained glass; he was so engrossed in the parallels of him and the small child on his arms that he actually forgot why he was running for help to the most unpredictable being alive.

Loosing everything at young age, no memories of his parents, being lost in the world till they were rescued by a Magus, who was lamenting not being able to prevent the tragedy in first place (2). "Is this how you felt Otousan" he mumbled to himself after seeing the happy smile Harry, the child in his arms, gave him.

He then felt a feet on his stomach, not a kick, just one resting on him, gazing upwards he encountered with the owner of said foot, while an almost maniacal smile adorned its face, the sense of dread came tenfold at that.

"This is it, on there you can hide, nobody will look for you" before he could ask or even open his mouth, Zelretch kicked him in the gates "remember to look out for the ruler of the realm, he is my old friend ant tell send him my regards" and with that the gates closed, while he was flung to another world, baby in arms and all.

Normal POV

The Magus was actually dancing with joy, yet nobody seems to care since many others were doing the same, he was celebrating the opportunity to create randomness at the expense of others, annoy his old buddy, and maybe frustrate the plan of several other people made his day (3).

Then he halted abruptly, remembering a not so funny incident that his old friend did in revenge for his last prank, not for the prank but for the fact he didn't actually called, write or at least send a message, with a quick wave of his hand a pen full of birds appeared alongside an oven and a funny looking willow.

He quickly plucked a feather from a Quetzal, while the bark of the tree became parchment and proceed to write.

_Dear Discord …LOSER_

_Hi buddy, how is the land of candy treating you, did you got bored of ruling?, don't worry just I just send one, maybe two Chaos Breakers, would have thrown that Harris Kid but it wouldn't be as funny, no you can't send another slender man in response they are a stick on the mud, enjoy and send them back when bored they still need to make things interesting here._

_Your even better looking friend _

_Kischur Zelretch Schweinorg_

_Psst: enjoy the Pie_

_Psst2; no I am not sending another chimera_

_Psst3: …. Haha a made you read_

Another wave and from the oven a big pie appeared, he just put the letter inside it, and after a quick enchantment for it to appear 5 minutes after being woken up, he launched it to the portal.

And nobody will know the result of the next events, until they passed of course and he planned on watching everything.

Just a quick possible story, hope it was funny enough, if it doesn't make sense remember they are 2 non-evil beings of chaos involved. I am trying to use a Shirou mixture of Heavens Feel or Antaraxia (the one were Illya gained the Grail and Shirou`s body was too damaged) and Unlimited Blade Works.

(1) This dimensions are other fics, a cookie for the one to name them all; the last one was the original Archer

(2) Remember his most big ambition after the hero of justice Gig, was to be like his father, so the opportunities for it can make him a bit unreasonable

(3) Who doesn't enjoy making ripples on the pond?


End file.
